Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Grrrr. Messed up Blog
Sorry. I screwed up my blog. I am going to try to fix it today...this is what I get for trying to create my own background etc.
Monday, July 12, 2010
2 Portraits of Love
Example #1: I went to my best friend's wedding this weekend. She was of course everything a bride should be: Beautiful, Radiant, and Happy. And her husband....Oh he was so happy. I don't think there is a better part of a wedding then seeing the groom's goofy smile seeing his bride walk down the aisle. And he had it. The big goofy grin. It reminded me of the tears in Dan's eyes as he took my hand that day. Love it.
Example #2: I have always grown up with outdoor dogs, living on a farm and all. And the last one we had was Charlie. Charlie was a total lover. But refused to go to the vet, or even in the car. He was a free spirit who loved to swim beside you in the lake. My dad got Annie as a hunting dog. Before we got her she was very abused from training. She still has her tail between her legs. But she is a lover too. Accidentally, they had offspring. My dog Molly is one of them :) Anyway, Charlie died of old age this year after a life of freedom and happiness. Yesterday, I noticed among the weeds where he is buried, there is a matted area right where Charlie is buried. Annie sleeps there at night now. She has never slept there before. What a testament of love. She misses her best friend, the father of her children, and her play buddy.
I loved to see these portraits of love and remember the love I have for my husband.
Example #2: I have always grown up with outdoor dogs, living on a farm and all. And the last one we had was Charlie. Charlie was a total lover. But refused to go to the vet, or even in the car. He was a free spirit who loved to swim beside you in the lake. My dad got Annie as a hunting dog. Before we got her she was very abused from training. She still has her tail between her legs. But she is a lover too. Accidentally, they had offspring. My dog Molly is one of them :) Anyway, Charlie died of old age this year after a life of freedom and happiness. Yesterday, I noticed among the weeds where he is buried, there is a matted area right where Charlie is buried. Annie sleeps there at night now. She has never slept there before. What a testament of love. She misses her best friend, the father of her children, and her play buddy.
I loved to see these portraits of love and remember the love I have for my husband.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Now that it's over..
I can talk about it. It is funny how much easier it is to talk about things AFTER they happen. I guess I feel that once it is over, I am not at risk and I will be okay.
Example #1: I am not near as ashamed to talk about my miscarriage now that I have a baby. Maybe ashamed isn't the word. I realize it happened from nothing I did, but I felt my body was less than superior for not being able to carry a baby....I mean a woman's body is meant to carry babies...right? And this was something that had no rhyme nor reason...it was nothing I could fix. That is something I just simply cannot handle...so I chose to keep it quiet and keep most all feelings inside..Some knew about my miscarriage, but I didn't want to talk about it... I still don't, really, but I am more open to the fact that it just happens..And I mostly feel this way because I was able to carry and deliver a healthy baby the next pregnancy. I know some people had medical reasons for not carrying a baby, but I was not one of them. I WANTED a reason, I WANTED something to be wrong with me. I wanted to tell people a reason. I mean Let's face it, when you hear something horrible on the news, you want a reason for it...Like if there was a reason you could protect yourself and your loved one's from some terrible fate.
Example #2: I dealt with a smidgen of Postpartum Depression. This is what I mean by smidgen: I never had thoughts of hurting my little girl and I did everything I could to take care of her. But I had doubts about my ability to mother her. If I was gone away from her longer than expected, I felt selfish and I felt as if I was depriving her and it would cause me a great deal of anxiety. My mind was over come with trying to get back to her. In the same breath, I didn't feel like she was my child. I didn't feel like I loved her the way my husband did, I just carried all the responsibility. I was jealous of his immediate love for her. Everyone was crazy about her...why wasn't I head over heels. I loved her in the way a mother loves a child. But I felt I was the one carrying the burden. I was in charge of feeding her, which in the early months is quite a task. I took care of her during the day. Some days we didn't leave the bed. I wanted to get out, I wanted interaction. I didn't want to be stuck in the bed all day long, but I didn't feel like I could get up and moving..I wanted someone else to carry the burden of mothering my child...I felt I wasn't fit, especially because I was thinking these things.
After almost 3 months, I am totally unequivocally in love with my little girl. I love my cuddle time. I LOVE breastfeeding her. I love to be with her. I miss her when I am away. I cannot kiss the top of her sweet little head enough. Now I know that no one could be the mother of my child. I am the one lucky enough to be her mommy. I finally feel what I have wanted to feel.
And just like my miscarriage, this is normal, nothing I did. It is my crazy whacked out hormones.
And now I will post this before I delete it all..
Example #1: I am not near as ashamed to talk about my miscarriage now that I have a baby. Maybe ashamed isn't the word. I realize it happened from nothing I did, but I felt my body was less than superior for not being able to carry a baby....I mean a woman's body is meant to carry babies...right? And this was something that had no rhyme nor reason...it was nothing I could fix. That is something I just simply cannot handle...so I chose to keep it quiet and keep most all feelings inside..Some knew about my miscarriage, but I didn't want to talk about it... I still don't, really, but I am more open to the fact that it just happens..And I mostly feel this way because I was able to carry and deliver a healthy baby the next pregnancy. I know some people had medical reasons for not carrying a baby, but I was not one of them. I WANTED a reason, I WANTED something to be wrong with me. I wanted to tell people a reason. I mean Let's face it, when you hear something horrible on the news, you want a reason for it...Like if there was a reason you could protect yourself and your loved one's from some terrible fate.
Example #2: I dealt with a smidgen of Postpartum Depression. This is what I mean by smidgen: I never had thoughts of hurting my little girl and I did everything I could to take care of her. But I had doubts about my ability to mother her. If I was gone away from her longer than expected, I felt selfish and I felt as if I was depriving her and it would cause me a great deal of anxiety. My mind was over come with trying to get back to her. In the same breath, I didn't feel like she was my child. I didn't feel like I loved her the way my husband did, I just carried all the responsibility. I was jealous of his immediate love for her. Everyone was crazy about her...why wasn't I head over heels. I loved her in the way a mother loves a child. But I felt I was the one carrying the burden. I was in charge of feeding her, which in the early months is quite a task. I took care of her during the day. Some days we didn't leave the bed. I wanted to get out, I wanted interaction. I didn't want to be stuck in the bed all day long, but I didn't feel like I could get up and moving..I wanted someone else to carry the burden of mothering my child...I felt I wasn't fit, especially because I was thinking these things.
After almost 3 months, I am totally unequivocally in love with my little girl. I love my cuddle time. I LOVE breastfeeding her. I love to be with her. I miss her when I am away. I cannot kiss the top of her sweet little head enough. Now I know that no one could be the mother of my child. I am the one lucky enough to be her mommy. I finally feel what I have wanted to feel.
And just like my miscarriage, this is normal, nothing I did. It is my crazy whacked out hormones.
And now I will post this before I delete it all..
Monday, June 21, 2010
To the Fathers...
I think it is only appropriate to dedicate this post to the fathers in my life.
To my Grandfather. He can pull the year my great aunt got a new cadillac or my mom was in the hospital out of nowhere. He has a memory better than all of us youngin's. He is the rock of the family and I am scared to see what would happen after he is gone.
To my Father. He has had one of the saddest lives I have ever heard about, yet you never would hear it from him. How he could learn to be an amazing father after his own father died when he was 1 and his step father beat him is beyond me. I thank him for it.
To my Husband. Happy First Father's Day. He was the best birth coach I could ask for and supported me in my natural birth. He supports me and makes me a better person. More than that, he is a better Dad than I would've hoped for. He is always up for cuddle time when he gets home so Momma can get stuff done around the house. He changes diapers, gets her from the crib in the middle of the night, rocks her as she screams, anything for his little girl.
We all have men in our lives, some better than others. These are three that I amt thankful to have in my life.
To my Grandfather. He can pull the year my great aunt got a new cadillac or my mom was in the hospital out of nowhere. He has a memory better than all of us youngin's. He is the rock of the family and I am scared to see what would happen after he is gone.
To my Father. He has had one of the saddest lives I have ever heard about, yet you never would hear it from him. How he could learn to be an amazing father after his own father died when he was 1 and his step father beat him is beyond me. I thank him for it.
To my Husband. Happy First Father's Day. He was the best birth coach I could ask for and supported me in my natural birth. He supports me and makes me a better person. More than that, he is a better Dad than I would've hoped for. He is always up for cuddle time when he gets home so Momma can get stuff done around the house. He changes diapers, gets her from the crib in the middle of the night, rocks her as she screams, anything for his little girl.
We all have men in our lives, some better than others. These are three that I amt thankful to have in my life.
Monday, June 14, 2010
It's been too long..
And here is the gist of my life..
*My baby is growing to fast
*Sex is not appealing
*The house is getting more and more expensive
*I am out of shape
That is it in a nutshell. On a positive note, I love watching Kate grow, sex seems more likely everyday, although it has not happened, we are finding ways to make our house more affordable, and I am running 4 miles in the Steamboat classic on Saturday.
I just joined twitter, so if you are on Twitter leave me your name! My name is karafitzjarrald. I am not sure how much I will use it, only time will tell.
Kate now rolls over from tummy to back. She smiles all the time and even laughs. It is so much fun to play with her now.
I am still waiting to be in the mood for sex. My boobs are so sore it is ridiculous. They are so to the touch and the nipples are red. Ouch! I know that breastfeeding is so worth it for both me and Kate, but I will be glad when I am done.
I can't decide when I want to have kids again, and I am even debating whether I should go back on the pill or not...aghh! I haven't picked up my prescription yet. It is a hard question with a miscarriage under our belt. It seems the more you plan, the more things go haywire. I just pray for healthy pregnancies when we do get pregnant again.
*My baby is growing to fast
*Sex is not appealing
*The house is getting more and more expensive
*I am out of shape
That is it in a nutshell. On a positive note, I love watching Kate grow, sex seems more likely everyday, although it has not happened, we are finding ways to make our house more affordable, and I am running 4 miles in the Steamboat classic on Saturday.
I just joined twitter, so if you are on Twitter leave me your name! My name is karafitzjarrald. I am not sure how much I will use it, only time will tell.
Kate now rolls over from tummy to back. She smiles all the time and even laughs. It is so much fun to play with her now.
I am still waiting to be in the mood for sex. My boobs are so sore it is ridiculous. They are so to the touch and the nipples are red. Ouch! I know that breastfeeding is so worth it for both me and Kate, but I will be glad when I am done.
I can't decide when I want to have kids again, and I am even debating whether I should go back on the pill or not...aghh! I haven't picked up my prescription yet. It is a hard question with a miscarriage under our belt. It seems the more you plan, the more things go haywire. I just pray for healthy pregnancies when we do get pregnant again.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Seriously?!?!?
http://www.beliefnet.com/Love-Family/Relationships/2006/07/Moms-Dont-Forget-To-Feed-Your-Marriages.aspx
I mean, really, I could go on all day. But Seriously!??!?
I mean, really, I could go on all day. But Seriously!??!?
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
3 years later...
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