::sigh::

I just told someone how I really feel...and IT FELT GOOD!

Marley and Me

I finished Marley and Me last night. I bawled like a baby. It reminded me of when we put my dog down. It was terrible and last night I cried uncontrollably. I think it is amazing the love that humans have to give. I am a dog lover to the extreme and all I could do was cry because Marley had a wonderful life and didn't deserve the pain. I remember those days well...

On another note, Dan, my mom, and I went shopping last night. I spent some money :) I had to buy "business casual" clothes. Maurices is where I go for cheap clothes like that, so I bought two tops and some bottoms. I have another top to wear. I want to wear the same pants 3 days straight to to this conference, but my mom keeps telling me I need to take one other pair. Boo. Also, we went to White House Black Market where I got 2 cute tops and a pair of jeans. I love that store. I never really tried anything on in there before, but I really like it. One of my tops, they had to order in my size, but it will be shipped to me for free. And my mom got a new outfit there as well for her 40th class reunion. It looks great on her :) Then we ate at Bar Louie. It was just a nice relaxing night. Oh, and my neice made the Junior High softball team.
All in all, a good night!

Now I am onto reading My Sister's Keeper. I need to read a happy book next .

:sigh:

To know where I am in this cycle, I have to look at fertility friend now. I have no clue on my own. Also, I have not temped....not even once just to see what it was...nope. I have not cheated and it has been good for me. Until I get advice from my Dr. to do so, I am not going to temp I have decided.
Went to a visitation last night. It doesn't matter whose it is, I vaguely knew this guy, knew the family better, but to see a family hurt so much and to feel so much love from the family is what truly breaks my heart. Especially sudden deaths. Those are the worst, it doesn't seem right.
Kind of reminds me of my baby. It was a sudden unexpected death. My baby was sooo loved. And our family hurt so much. I had my own private mourning with my family. My parents and me (Dan was out of town) all laying on my bed crying. One of the worst days of my life.
Wow, that was a tangent I wasn't expecting to go into.
Anyway, things are good this cycle whether I get pregnant or not. I definitely feel less pressure. I just hope it works...because I don't know how long I can go "being helpless".

Happy Friday Update

I have an uber busy weekend, but I wanted to update. I guess we are done FWP as we haven't in a couple of days now. I am just letting go. Not temping has been a huge help at this.
I say I guess we are done, because Dan and I fighting has really been the reason. We are just both so stressed out about work and we work for the same company....
so for my schedule this weekend.
Friday
4pm Mary Kay facial
8-11pm 5 year Class Reunion (basically drink fest)
Saturday
10pm-12 Try on Bridesmaid dresses
4-??? Work at Banquet Hall
Sunday
9-10 Church and I am doing Children's moment
2-4 Scrapbook party

Ahh! I am toooo busy this weekend. I am going to have to keep looking at my blog just to get my schedule straight!
Have a great weekend all!

Day 2...

of no temping. I have to say it is much more destressing than I thought it would be. I can't worry if I O'ed, just keep BD-ing every other night or so and hope for the best. Since I don't know what my temps are, I can't stare at my chart all day wondering what tomorrow's temps will be. It is really nice and I dont' think I will go back to temping.
Even if this cycle is a bust, I have my annual exam mid-August and it is with the Dr. instead of the Nurse Practitioner, so I can talk to her about my cycles and see what she thinks. I am pretty sure it says on my chart that my MIL is the head nurse of OB at their hospital, because I got my appointment with the Dr (usually I am w/ the N.P.) in 3 weeks. When I tried this a couple of years ago they told me it would be 3 months. My Dr. has been really good. Normally, you rotate Dr.s but it just happened that this is the only one I have had, which is good because she knows my whole story, no re-explaining. So regardless of what happens this cycle, I will hopefully have some answers next cycle.
I have to brag on DH. He is un-athletic, and I love sports. Last night, our companies men's slow pitch team was short a few players, so DH played. He was great. That is only the 2nd slowpitch game he has ever played, yet he had a clutch hit with 2 down. I was so proud. Now, if he could only throw right and not like a girl...oh well, we will save that for another day.
Last night, I tried felting for the first time. I decided to do a quick project I found on ravelry. It was an ipod/cell phone cover. I finished it last night. Not too bad if I say so myself. Right now it is drying from its last hot bath. It was a nice project to finish in 1 hour (or for me a couple of hours, but I am slow) and get instant gratification. I did not put the flap on it because it was for my cell phone and I thought it would be a pain in the arse. I still have 3 other projects that are dying for my attention and affection...

God 1 Kara 0

I give up. God is in control. I am not super religous, but I don't have any control over this, so I need to quit pretending I do.
My temp went back down today. No idea what is going on. I am not going to temp the rest of the cycle. Just try to get plenty of BDing in. I am going to buy some OPK's today. I am thinking of taking a Bump Break as well. I love those girls so much. I don't know where I would be without them, yet I think it is stressing me out. I hope this is my month and I don't need too much of a break. But I think my ovulation is affected by my stress.
I just need to let God be in control. He knows what is best for me and only He can make it happen.

The Big O

So I possibly could've O'ed yesterday. I am not sure. I had a really low temp (96.5) and then this morning I had a 96.8 (about average) Should it go up faster than that? I guess I will just BD the next couple of days and hope for the best.
I knew this would happen. My cycles are wonky. 1st cycle post m/c 35 days. 2nd cycle 32 days 3rd cycle 37 days. Now, I am O-ing on day 16 possibly??? Ahhh! I hope this is my last cycle because I cannot take it.
I am stressed out right now, and it isn't even TTC related. It is just small bullshit in everyday life that adds up and ticks me off majorly. It is friends saying the wrong things, family overstaying their welcome and not picking up, Me not getting enough sleep. It is many little things and I need a vacation from it all.
I am almost finished with the Friday Night Knitting Club. I would totally reccommend it to anyone. It is great. There is a mention of miscarriage in there, which I totally cried at. But it is soooo good. I am moving on to My Sister's Keeper next. I want to catch it before I see the movie.

Good deal!!!!

I can only order 4 more. I am selling them at my cost. Let me know if you want one.

I can only buy 4 more. I am selling them at cost. Let me know if you would like one!!!

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::cues music::

I'm so excited...I just can't hide it!

I think when I go to my Tupperware conference in Florida, I am going to see my TTCAL buddy! I am super excited about this :) She has been there for me :in spirit of course: through all of this and I don't know what I would do without her. We share the ups and downs...and she gets it. All of it. So I am super excited and hope that we can work something out...
I am like a school girl in excitement right now
:::squeals:::

My mental state.

This is what blogs are for right? So here I go...
From a conversation with my bump TTC Buddy (since I am too lazy to retype:
I am thinking about "not trying" and forgetting about the 2WW, temping, charting, and all this shit. This may be my last cycle doing all this. I don't know.I feel like crying today. I see all these new babies on facebook. I know my time is winding down to get a BFP before my EDD. I never had I doubt I would be pregnant by then, now I do. Why is this so Fucking hard?!?!? I am thinking of dropping it all cold turkey. Even the bump for awhile....then lurking...I just am too caught up I think.I am young, so I shouldn't complain. But we have reasons for starting a family sooner rather than later. For one, my dad is approaching 70 and I couldn't imagin my kids not knowing him. I am a Daddy's girl, and I want my kids to have a relationship with him. Same goes for Dan's grandfather. We are financially in a good place. We have done the things we wanted to do before kids. We have been married 2 years, together for 7. This is just the next step. I am a control Type A person. I hate that I cannot control this. I have always loved babies, but of course knew it wasn't the right time, now it is, and it doesn't matter.

So there it is. The harsh reality of how I am feeling. I know its not good. I know not everyone reading this will understand. I am sorry. It is one of "those days". And please if you don't understand, don't give me advice. That is a pet peeve of anyone trying again after a loss.

AF Blues

I have the AF Blues....I just can't get happy. I am grumpy. I can't help it. I just want AF to leave (hopefully, today) and move on. I want to at least practice baby making...if the real thing is unsuccessful. Tonight I am going belly dancing. I am super excited. I hope it is a good workout :) I couldn't get anyone to take it with me, but I saw on facebook (LOL) that a girl I know was taking it...so here I am, signed up and ready to go! Last night, we watched "He's just not that into you" I love that movie. But it kept skipping at the end so we couldn't finish it. I have about 7 inches done on a baby blanket ( I am slow) and the book I am reading is really good. So see? I do have something to be happy about. Now, if only my cousins were leaving soon :(

One thing for certain: Dan and I love each other more now than we ever have. It is so comforting to have that.

Dear Lord

Please let me be pregnant before my EDD (October 12). If you can promise that, I will patiently wait for my turn. But please let this be. As the months wind down, I can start to feel the devastation of an empty womb when it should be carrying my little one. Just let me have this.
Kara

Catch up...

AF finally came on Saturday morning. Moving on to Cycle #3. I have nothing but positive thoughts going forward. I was able to drown my sorrows n a few choice alcoholic drinks and I know my time will come.
Something that set me back on my heels...One of my highschool friends had a baby this week that died soon after entering the world. I CAN'T IMAGINE. Going home to an empty crib, all the toys, clothes, hopes and dreams. I feel absolutely terrible for them. I just don't get it.
My family came this weekend. They went on a short vacay with my parents for a couple of days so they are out of the house until Tuesday night. Last night, all I did was pick up after them. It made me irate. Why can't anyone pick up after themselves! These are adults staying with me and there was a wet towel over the footboard of the bed...ahhh!
I am hoping this is a nice, relaxing week and an ovulating month :)

CD 37

and a temp drop this morning. I am actually thrilled about this. Aunt Flo can come and do her thing then I can get started again on a fresh new cycle. I feel like I can get out of the limbo that I am stuck in. It is a good feeling.

My family came in late Wednesday night. It is so nice to have them around. I do not have very much family, so I am thankful for all that I have. Tonight I think we are just getting pizza. Tomorrow we are eating at our grandparents, and Sunday is the 4th of July golf tournament. I love when there are tournaments, even though I don't golf. I am so glad we got our house cleaner. With everyone over, and all the meals are going to be at our house. It is so nice to know that in a month, someone will come and clean again.

I am excited because at work today we are grilling out with the shop guys. It is exciting when they can enjoy something every once in awhile, especially because they have worked so well this past week.

My best friend and I both sell Tupperware. They have a convention in August in Orlando, that she is going to and I am thinking about. If I can go, we are going to road trip down there. I am so excited.

Have a great 4th of July Weekend!

AF, Where art thou?

Yes, CD36 and I am still waiting. And another BFN this morning. It is so depressing.
On a positive note, my cousins arrived last night. I don't know how long they are staying. But I just found out their 3 big dogs will be living at my house. Boo. I am so glad I have a house cleaner now. There will be dog hair everywhere.
Have a great day!