Today I feel pretty good. I go in spurts. I had a good nights sleep, then I start thinking about baby and it is a crap shoot of what my emotions will be. I want to be a mom so badly and I wanted Dan to be a dad. He deserves it, and I would like to think I do too. Not this time around. Maybe next time. It is hard to put my feelings about this on paper (or screen). I am running in a 5k in May. Mostly because I can know. I signed up about right after we lost our baby. I think it was partially in spite of losing. Now I have goals. I have to get in shape. I have some motivation to move forward. I miss Dan. I don't like it when he leaves. I feel like my life is on hold until he gets back so that we can live our lives together. My life is also in a holding pattern until AF comes again. I want it to come, no matter the pain, so that I can finally move on and not keep waiting. I hate how people don't understand and try to say things as if they do. If you don't understand, DON'T SAY ANYTHING....or maybe just a simply I am sorry for your loss. This was my baby, not a figment of my imagination. My baby existed.
Ok, this blog is basically a venting post for me right now.
Going to the Dr. tomorrow. Hopefully, I can move another step forward. I don't expect any information as to what was wrong. I expect to find out when we can TTC again, what to look out for, how to move on. Nothing more. I am at peace with the fact that we will never know why our baby didn't live. I just hope that this is my dose of bad karma for life and I will go on to have healthy babies. I just want to be a mom.
Hey Kara. I know how you're feeling right now and I'm sending big internet hugs your way. People say things that are really hurtful, but they don't mean to be - they just don't know WHAT to say! I agree, that saying "I'm sorry for your loss" is the best thing they can say, and maybe "I'm thinking of you" or "Is there anything I can do for you". So, I really am so very sorry for your loss and I know your baby was lucky to have you because you were a wonderful mother to him/her.
ReplyDeleteIn another one of your posts you wrote about how you feel so lonely and isolated. I wanted you to know that those feelings are completely normal. Even if you husband wasn't travelling, you'd still feel very isolated. Losing a baby is something that most acutely affects the mother, both physically and emotionally (hormone levels dropping really do give some miscarrying women the "baby blues" and we tend to bond earlier to our growing beans). But there are people out there that understand what you're going through, and I'm glad you've reached out and looked for support. Women should support each other at a time like this.
Hope things start looking up for you soon!